Becca's Quilt and Winkle Approves

Due January 27th 2012

No Excuse

Hello there.  It has been a while since the last post.  There is no excuse.  I am feeling better and a lot less stressed.  Work has been great.  Stacie is our new manager and she is amazing. I have had a second knee surgery that has gone really well.  Dennis left for the Army and is now living in Georgia.  Ashley still has not had her little man, Mike has been home for the whole month taking care of me.  I have been working on a couple of quilts with my new sewing machine. I have run out of material and money at the moment.  Mike found a new sport, HOCKEY.  We went last night and had a blast.  That's it in a nut shell.

Counseling Not Working

I have been seeing a counselor for my depression for a few weeks and I don't think it is what is helping.  My counselor is just weird.  I have tried to engage myself with conversation with her, but I don't have enough trust in her to tell her what is really going on.  She just seems fake and plastic.  She is just strange.  I went in with stress from work and that is what I wanted to talk about, but she tries to turn it into family issues. She sits there and wants to know all this information regarding Mike.  Mike is not the problem lady it's my freaking job.  All the death, working with a bunch of teenagers, and a shitty management team.  I just clam up when she asks my questions about my family, and I change the subject back to work problems.  Funny thing is she is my EAP lady.  She is hired by my company to talk about issues regarding work.  I am going to stop going, it is not helping and truthfully she pisses me off for the rest of the day.  I shall just tell myself that its going to be a good day and get on with my life.

18 Weeks & Counting

Ashley is beginning to look like she is really pregnant.  It is weird to think my baby is having a baby, but I'm getting use to it.  I am very proud of her and her husband.  They will make great parents.

1950's at Work Today!

15 Weeks

Seeking Help

Well my friends I have broke down and called for counseling.  I talked to an intake counselor today and she will be getting back to me with a therapist name and appointment.  I need to have a little help.  I will keep on blogging about it.  It will be like therapy. 

Caught a Snake

Today I had a short day at work and when I got home, Dennis tells me to look at my dog, Gunner.  Dennis thought he found and cornered a mouse.  Dennis went outside to see for sure and started yelling that I needed to come.  I went out and Dennis showed me that it was in fact a small snake.  He told me that I need to get it so that Gunner didn't get hurt.  My brave young man was afraid of the snake.  I grabbed the snake and when he tried to bite me I let the poor little guy fall into the window well.  So we ran into the basement and opened the window and removed the screen.  At this time I informed Dennis it was his job not to let the snake into the basement. Hahaha, I wish you could have see his face.  Anyway, after two bites and getting musked I had the little guy.  I took him through the house and into the back yard where this picture was taken just before his safe release into my garden took place.  I hope he eats the mice that are eating my strawberries.

Better Now

I said that I would get out of my funk.  I am feeling so much better now that I'm off the Med-tech deal at work.  I am back on the floor and loving it.  Less stress and responsibilities make for a better mind.  I know a lot of my stress is financial and being alone.  I should say being alone when Dennis leaves in January.  With Mike saying that he's not going to retire for another 3 years, and having all the girls and grand kids in California, he seems to come home less often.  I feel left out and bothered by the feeling that I just don't belong anymore.  I keep pushing these thoughts out of my mind, but like oil and water, you can shake them together the oil inevitably comes to the top.  I can't talk to him about it, because he says its not true and gets rightfully angry.  I don't want to spoil any time I have together with him.  So it is better to say nothing and just keep shaking the water.

YOU CHOOSE

 BOY?

OR GIRL?

New Day New Hair

The Fight

I suffer from depression.  I have for many years.  The past couple of months it has been bad.  I hide it very well, thanks to medication and my family.  I am having a tough time concealing it the last couple of days.  Starting yesterday all I have done is cry.  I hate crying, it makes me feel weak and out of control.
I just feel like my life is spinning out of control.  I know this is normal for me.  The ups out weigh the downs most of the time.  So it will take time to get out of this slump too.  I must continue to tell myself to be happy until then.
I have so much on my mind.  I wish I could turn it off.  I feel trapped by financial distress, emotional distress, the reality of my kids moving on with their lives, Mike still working in California, me alone here in Utah.

12 Weeks and 3 Days

Battle of the Fat

While in California I was reminded that I am fat by one of my sweet grand daughters.  She didn't say it in a mean way but in a way that struck me hard.  "Grandma," she starts out with; " you know how I know you're grandma Lori?"  Of course I must know. She says to me,"you are the fat grandma."  I laugh it off while I am dying inside.  Cut to the quick with a knife so sharp.  I can't be that grandma, I don't want to be that grandma, I will no longer be that grandma.  I have a gym membership and I vow to use it every chance I get.  Today I went and did a fat burning routine for 45 minutes.  I have a headache and my hip and heel hurt, but this will not stop me.  I am working nights again, therefore I will leave early work out shower and go to work.  I must do this.  I don't feel sexy anymore. My joints hurt from carrying these extra pounds.  I don't like the way I look.  Heck, even my large scrubs are starting to fit tight.  I have said this before, but this time I hear the innocence of Alissa over and over.  I need to change if not for me, for my family. 

Great News

Mikes heart is in great condition.  Only one of his arteries had any kind of blockage, and because it is only 20% the doctor has left it alone.  He said its normal to have some blockage.  I am so relieved and when Mike wakes he will be too.

Can Not Believe

Yesterday went to Sizzlers for lunch with Ashley.  As we were standing in line she says to me, "Mom Look."  I look down at her belly and it was moving.  I could hardly believe my eyes.  She is only 11 weeks and I just saw the baby moving.  I quickly placed my hand on her tummy and felt the baby move.  I teared with joy and disbelief.  There should be NO WAY I can see that little one moving around in there.  It is just too young. But because Ashley is so skinny you can see the baby movie already.  I had not felt so excited since the first time I felt my first grand child kick.  It is such a wonderful feeling knowing the baby is healthy and full of life.  I can not wait to meet him or her, or to hold him or her. 

WooHoo

Mike is fine. Only one of his arteries were blocked and it was so inconsequential the doctor just left it alone.  Mike has to remain still for another hour or so, therefore I am letting him sleep.  Thank you God for guiding the surgeons hand today.

Waiting

I'm sitting here at the hospital waiting for Mike's Doctor to come and talk to me.  It feels like an eternity when in fact it has only been about an hour.  We have had so much love and prayers come our way.  I can't thank all of those who have sent them. It is so wonderful to have such a fantastic friend and family base.  I am humbled and thankful.  How did I get so lucky.  I will post again a little later when I have heard something.

My New 11 Week Old Grand Baby!!!

Oh what a wonderful feeling and I must share it.  This is my grand child.  I really can't believe it.  It is easier to hear it, but when you see that your little one is having a little one, it tends to choke you up.  The baby is healthy and in the top picture the baby is waving.  During the ultra sound today, the baby moved the entire time.  It's heart was beating at 168 beats a minute.  I feel so much pride, joy, love that I am spinning.  Seeing this child for the first time is surreal.  I cannot wait to hold, touch, hear, and smell the baby.  I also cannot wait to call him/her by name.  I just can't truly express the feeling in my chest as I write.  I already feel and extreme love for this little one.