New Day New Hair

The Fight

I suffer from depression.  I have for many years.  The past couple of months it has been bad.  I hide it very well, thanks to medication and my family.  I am having a tough time concealing it the last couple of days.  Starting yesterday all I have done is cry.  I hate crying, it makes me feel weak and out of control.
I just feel like my life is spinning out of control.  I know this is normal for me.  The ups out weigh the downs most of the time.  So it will take time to get out of this slump too.  I must continue to tell myself to be happy until then.
I have so much on my mind.  I wish I could turn it off.  I feel trapped by financial distress, emotional distress, the reality of my kids moving on with their lives, Mike still working in California, me alone here in Utah.

12 Weeks and 3 Days

Battle of the Fat

While in California I was reminded that I am fat by one of my sweet grand daughters.  She didn't say it in a mean way but in a way that struck me hard.  "Grandma," she starts out with; " you know how I know you're grandma Lori?"  Of course I must know. She says to me,"you are the fat grandma."  I laugh it off while I am dying inside.  Cut to the quick with a knife so sharp.  I can't be that grandma, I don't want to be that grandma, I will no longer be that grandma.  I have a gym membership and I vow to use it every chance I get.  Today I went and did a fat burning routine for 45 minutes.  I have a headache and my hip and heel hurt, but this will not stop me.  I am working nights again, therefore I will leave early work out shower and go to work.  I must do this.  I don't feel sexy anymore. My joints hurt from carrying these extra pounds.  I don't like the way I look.  Heck, even my large scrubs are starting to fit tight.  I have said this before, but this time I hear the innocence of Alissa over and over.  I need to change if not for me, for my family. 

Great News

Mikes heart is in great condition.  Only one of his arteries had any kind of blockage, and because it is only 20% the doctor has left it alone.  He said its normal to have some blockage.  I am so relieved and when Mike wakes he will be too.