New Day New Hair

The Fight

I suffer from depression.  I have for many years.  The past couple of months it has been bad.  I hide it very well, thanks to medication and my family.  I am having a tough time concealing it the last couple of days.  Starting yesterday all I have done is cry.  I hate crying, it makes me feel weak and out of control.
I just feel like my life is spinning out of control.  I know this is normal for me.  The ups out weigh the downs most of the time.  So it will take time to get out of this slump too.  I must continue to tell myself to be happy until then.
I have so much on my mind.  I wish I could turn it off.  I feel trapped by financial distress, emotional distress, the reality of my kids moving on with their lives, Mike still working in California, me alone here in Utah.

12 Weeks and 3 Days

Battle of the Fat

While in California I was reminded that I am fat by one of my sweet grand daughters.  She didn't say it in a mean way but in a way that struck me hard.  "Grandma," she starts out with; " you know how I know you're grandma Lori?"  Of course I must know. She says to me,"you are the fat grandma."  I laugh it off while I am dying inside.  Cut to the quick with a knife so sharp.  I can't be that grandma, I don't want to be that grandma, I will no longer be that grandma.  I have a gym membership and I vow to use it every chance I get.  Today I went and did a fat burning routine for 45 minutes.  I have a headache and my hip and heel hurt, but this will not stop me.  I am working nights again, therefore I will leave early work out shower and go to work.  I must do this.  I don't feel sexy anymore. My joints hurt from carrying these extra pounds.  I don't like the way I look.  Heck, even my large scrubs are starting to fit tight.  I have said this before, but this time I hear the innocence of Alissa over and over.  I need to change if not for me, for my family. 

Great News

Mikes heart is in great condition.  Only one of his arteries had any kind of blockage, and because it is only 20% the doctor has left it alone.  He said its normal to have some blockage.  I am so relieved and when Mike wakes he will be too.

Can Not Believe

Yesterday went to Sizzlers for lunch with Ashley.  As we were standing in line she says to me, "Mom Look."  I look down at her belly and it was moving.  I could hardly believe my eyes.  She is only 11 weeks and I just saw the baby moving.  I quickly placed my hand on her tummy and felt the baby move.  I teared with joy and disbelief.  There should be NO WAY I can see that little one moving around in there.  It is just too young. But because Ashley is so skinny you can see the baby movie already.  I had not felt so excited since the first time I felt my first grand child kick.  It is such a wonderful feeling knowing the baby is healthy and full of life.  I can not wait to meet him or her, or to hold him or her. 

WooHoo

Mike is fine. Only one of his arteries were blocked and it was so inconsequential the doctor just left it alone.  Mike has to remain still for another hour or so, therefore I am letting him sleep.  Thank you God for guiding the surgeons hand today.

Waiting

I'm sitting here at the hospital waiting for Mike's Doctor to come and talk to me.  It feels like an eternity when in fact it has only been about an hour.  We have had so much love and prayers come our way.  I can't thank all of those who have sent them. It is so wonderful to have such a fantastic friend and family base.  I am humbled and thankful.  How did I get so lucky.  I will post again a little later when I have heard something.

My New 11 Week Old Grand Baby!!!

Oh what a wonderful feeling and I must share it.  This is my grand child.  I really can't believe it.  It is easier to hear it, but when you see that your little one is having a little one, it tends to choke you up.  The baby is healthy and in the top picture the baby is waving.  During the ultra sound today, the baby moved the entire time.  It's heart was beating at 168 beats a minute.  I feel so much pride, joy, love that I am spinning.  Seeing this child for the first time is surreal.  I cannot wait to hold, touch, hear, and smell the baby.  I also cannot wait to call him/her by name.  I just can't truly express the feeling in my chest as I write.  I already feel and extreme love for this little one.

Mike's Heart

On Monday the 11th, Mike goes in for Angiogram and possible Angioplasty.  He has a blockage somewhere in his bottom half of his heart.  I am so frightened, and he is not showing any fear at all. Mike has had trouble with breathing for a few years now.  We have been to several doctors over the years and they have said things like; Mike you're getting older and its normal, you have asthma, nothing is wrong at all.  About 3 weeks ago he went in for a work related physical, and there happens to be a new doctor, so Mike thought he'd complain once again to her and maybe she would know what is going on.  Well it paid off.  Doctor Sanchez listened to Mike and asked him if he had heart problems. After he said no, she had him do a stress echo and saw that the bottom part of his heart that was not getting blood.  She sent him home with a 24 hour heart monitor.  When he returned she made him an appointment to see a cardiologist for the following week.  Mike met with him yesterday and the doctor has made an appointment for Monday.  Mike is on light duty right now and will be out of work for 2 weeks.  I am happy at the moment with  KCFD, because they have accepted this as a workers comp case. The county is picking up the tab for the whole thing.  Mike may have to retire a lot sooner than he wanted to.  He will be spending a lot more time in CA during this whole ordeal.  I am flying down there after work on Sunday and will be returning on the 16th.  I will keep you all posted.