Counseling Not Working

I have been seeing a counselor for my depression for a few weeks and I don't think it is what is helping.  My counselor is just weird.  I have tried to engage myself with conversation with her, but I don't have enough trust in her to tell her what is really going on.  She just seems fake and plastic.  She is just strange.  I went in with stress from work and that is what I wanted to talk about, but she tries to turn it into family issues. She sits there and wants to know all this information regarding Mike.  Mike is not the problem lady it's my freaking job.  All the death, working with a bunch of teenagers, and a shitty management team.  I just clam up when she asks my questions about my family, and I change the subject back to work problems.  Funny thing is she is my EAP lady.  She is hired by my company to talk about issues regarding work.  I am going to stop going, it is not helping and truthfully she pisses me off for the rest of the day.  I shall just tell myself that its going to be a good day and get on with my life.

18 Weeks & Counting

Ashley is beginning to look like she is really pregnant.  It is weird to think my baby is having a baby, but I'm getting use to it.  I am very proud of her and her husband.  They will make great parents.

1950's at Work Today!

15 Weeks

Seeking Help

Well my friends I have broke down and called for counseling.  I talked to an intake counselor today and she will be getting back to me with a therapist name and appointment.  I need to have a little help.  I will keep on blogging about it.  It will be like therapy. 

Caught a Snake

Today I had a short day at work and when I got home, Dennis tells me to look at my dog, Gunner.  Dennis thought he found and cornered a mouse.  Dennis went outside to see for sure and started yelling that I needed to come.  I went out and Dennis showed me that it was in fact a small snake.  He told me that I need to get it so that Gunner didn't get hurt.  My brave young man was afraid of the snake.  I grabbed the snake and when he tried to bite me I let the poor little guy fall into the window well.  So we ran into the basement and opened the window and removed the screen.  At this time I informed Dennis it was his job not to let the snake into the basement. Hahaha, I wish you could have see his face.  Anyway, after two bites and getting musked I had the little guy.  I took him through the house and into the back yard where this picture was taken just before his safe release into my garden took place.  I hope he eats the mice that are eating my strawberries.

Better Now

I said that I would get out of my funk.  I am feeling so much better now that I'm off the Med-tech deal at work.  I am back on the floor and loving it.  Less stress and responsibilities make for a better mind.  I know a lot of my stress is financial and being alone.  I should say being alone when Dennis leaves in January.  With Mike saying that he's not going to retire for another 3 years, and having all the girls and grand kids in California, he seems to come home less often.  I feel left out and bothered by the feeling that I just don't belong anymore.  I keep pushing these thoughts out of my mind, but like oil and water, you can shake them together the oil inevitably comes to the top.  I can't talk to him about it, because he says its not true and gets rightfully angry.  I don't want to spoil any time I have together with him.  So it is better to say nothing and just keep shaking the water.

YOU CHOOSE

 BOY?

OR GIRL?

New Day New Hair

The Fight

I suffer from depression.  I have for many years.  The past couple of months it has been bad.  I hide it very well, thanks to medication and my family.  I am having a tough time concealing it the last couple of days.  Starting yesterday all I have done is cry.  I hate crying, it makes me feel weak and out of control.
I just feel like my life is spinning out of control.  I know this is normal for me.  The ups out weigh the downs most of the time.  So it will take time to get out of this slump too.  I must continue to tell myself to be happy until then.
I have so much on my mind.  I wish I could turn it off.  I feel trapped by financial distress, emotional distress, the reality of my kids moving on with their lives, Mike still working in California, me alone here in Utah.

12 Weeks and 3 Days

Battle of the Fat

While in California I was reminded that I am fat by one of my sweet grand daughters.  She didn't say it in a mean way but in a way that struck me hard.  "Grandma," she starts out with; " you know how I know you're grandma Lori?"  Of course I must know. She says to me,"you are the fat grandma."  I laugh it off while I am dying inside.  Cut to the quick with a knife so sharp.  I can't be that grandma, I don't want to be that grandma, I will no longer be that grandma.  I have a gym membership and I vow to use it every chance I get.  Today I went and did a fat burning routine for 45 minutes.  I have a headache and my hip and heel hurt, but this will not stop me.  I am working nights again, therefore I will leave early work out shower and go to work.  I must do this.  I don't feel sexy anymore. My joints hurt from carrying these extra pounds.  I don't like the way I look.  Heck, even my large scrubs are starting to fit tight.  I have said this before, but this time I hear the innocence of Alissa over and over.  I need to change if not for me, for my family. 

Great News

Mikes heart is in great condition.  Only one of his arteries had any kind of blockage, and because it is only 20% the doctor has left it alone.  He said its normal to have some blockage.  I am so relieved and when Mike wakes he will be too.

Can Not Believe

Yesterday went to Sizzlers for lunch with Ashley.  As we were standing in line she says to me, "Mom Look."  I look down at her belly and it was moving.  I could hardly believe my eyes.  She is only 11 weeks and I just saw the baby moving.  I quickly placed my hand on her tummy and felt the baby move.  I teared with joy and disbelief.  There should be NO WAY I can see that little one moving around in there.  It is just too young. But because Ashley is so skinny you can see the baby movie already.  I had not felt so excited since the first time I felt my first grand child kick.  It is such a wonderful feeling knowing the baby is healthy and full of life.  I can not wait to meet him or her, or to hold him or her. 

WooHoo

Mike is fine. Only one of his arteries were blocked and it was so inconsequential the doctor just left it alone.  Mike has to remain still for another hour or so, therefore I am letting him sleep.  Thank you God for guiding the surgeons hand today.

Waiting

I'm sitting here at the hospital waiting for Mike's Doctor to come and talk to me.  It feels like an eternity when in fact it has only been about an hour.  We have had so much love and prayers come our way.  I can't thank all of those who have sent them. It is so wonderful to have such a fantastic friend and family base.  I am humbled and thankful.  How did I get so lucky.  I will post again a little later when I have heard something.

My New 11 Week Old Grand Baby!!!

Oh what a wonderful feeling and I must share it.  This is my grand child.  I really can't believe it.  It is easier to hear it, but when you see that your little one is having a little one, it tends to choke you up.  The baby is healthy and in the top picture the baby is waving.  During the ultra sound today, the baby moved the entire time.  It's heart was beating at 168 beats a minute.  I feel so much pride, joy, love that I am spinning.  Seeing this child for the first time is surreal.  I cannot wait to hold, touch, hear, and smell the baby.  I also cannot wait to call him/her by name.  I just can't truly express the feeling in my chest as I write.  I already feel and extreme love for this little one.

Mike's Heart

On Monday the 11th, Mike goes in for Angiogram and possible Angioplasty.  He has a blockage somewhere in his bottom half of his heart.  I am so frightened, and he is not showing any fear at all. Mike has had trouble with breathing for a few years now.  We have been to several doctors over the years and they have said things like; Mike you're getting older and its normal, you have asthma, nothing is wrong at all.  About 3 weeks ago he went in for a work related physical, and there happens to be a new doctor, so Mike thought he'd complain once again to her and maybe she would know what is going on.  Well it paid off.  Doctor Sanchez listened to Mike and asked him if he had heart problems. After he said no, she had him do a stress echo and saw that the bottom part of his heart that was not getting blood.  She sent him home with a 24 hour heart monitor.  When he returned she made him an appointment to see a cardiologist for the following week.  Mike met with him yesterday and the doctor has made an appointment for Monday.  Mike is on light duty right now and will be out of work for 2 weeks.  I am happy at the moment with  KCFD, because they have accepted this as a workers comp case. The county is picking up the tab for the whole thing.  Mike may have to retire a lot sooner than he wanted to.  He will be spending a lot more time in CA during this whole ordeal.  I am flying down there after work on Sunday and will be returning on the 16th.  I will keep you all posted.

Proud Army Parent

As of yesterday, my son Dennis is an active solider in the United States Army.  I couldn't be prouder.  I has made this choice all on his own.  He is following in his Great Grandfather(s) footsteps.  He is going to be apart of a tank crew.  Once my little boy, is now a grown man.  Where does the time go?  I am nervous I guess you can say, but I know God will take good care of him.

9 WEEKS!

Ashley took this picture for me last week.  At that time she was 9 weeks.  She went to the nurse visit today and the said she is 133 lbs and her blood type is A+.  Her actual doctor's appointment is July 8th now, which is frustrating to her for sure.  But by then they will be able to hear the baby's heartbeat.  They are so excited, and so are we.  Today I got her blessing to tell the whole world that she's pregnant.  That makes my one happy Nema.

Army Strong

Dennis has picked his MOS for the Army today.  He has chosen to be a Tank Crew Member.  I am very proud of him and the decision he made today.  This is a big step into the world for him.  It is a new chapter in life.  It funny how both of my kids are beginning new chapters and new lives at the same time.  I just can't believe how fast they grow up.  I wish that I could have them just a little longer, but I know I'm blessed to have kids that will be functioning adults and contribute to society in a healthy way.  I love them so much.  Army, I'm proud. 

Working with Kids

Where I work there are quite a few 18 and 19 year old kids.  And they like to bring the high school to work.  It is annoying and it wears me out.  Some days I feel like I am working back in the school I left.  Recently, there has been this girl that is really immature and thinks everyone is out to get her.  She is driving me crazy.  I just mind my own business, but she tries so hard to get me involved in hers.  Tonight I get to work with her again.  This night I will once again ignore all the garbage and hate that comes from her mouth.  Wish me luck.

The Demon Grape

"The Demon Grape Inside Me." I had to laugh when Ashley ended a phone call with that.  Tonight she is starving, but everything she has tried to eat has made her throw up. As she described eating Taquitos and potatoes, I made the comment, "Okay now we know that baby doesn't like Taquitos and potatoes."  I told her to try a fruit shake or or cereal.  She said that she will have Kris make her a chocolate shake, and she said that she has a Demon Grape inside me, well at least that is what the internet says.  Well the baby is the size of a grape not a demon.

Hanging with the Crew

Tomorrow I am hoping to hand with the girls form work.  First lunch, then the Cotton Shop, then maybe some games or a movie.  I can wait!

First Doctor's Visit

Ashley is on her way to her first Dr. appointment.  Her poor husband, Kris can't be there because he is working.  I told her to call me as soon as she gets out, because I am soooooooooo excited.  More to come soon.

Confusing

My darling husband is doing it again.  He tells me yesterday, that he can make all the bills with his paycheck so I can quit my job that way I can do things with him without asking for time off.  Sigh.  He has done this in the pass and I have quit my job, then I have no money, no social life, and no husband, because he has to work all the time.  Don't get me wrong, staying home is awesome, when you can have a social life, money for arts and crafts, and family close to you.  None of that will apply.  So I am not too sure about leaving a job that I truly love right now.  I really enjoy going to work, spending time with the adopted grandparents, and the family I have at work.  I really will have to think about it and set guidelines for my happiness.

Conformation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ashley just called me and the lab called her and said that she is very pregnant and they have set up an OBGYN appointment for her today!!!  I am so excited!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  I'm starting a new chapter in my life with my daughter.  I have tears of joy running down my face as I write.  I want to go shopping and making blankets, and painting , and planning baby showers, and putting in 2 week vacation request now.  Oh my goodness.  I am feeling so full of life I want to explode.

Ashley has the cutest puppy in the world.  He name is Quinn.  She is a true American mutt.  She loves Ashley so much.  Mike also likes her.  You know how I can tell?  Look at what she is sleeping on...the couch. LOL  If you look close enough you can see Ashley's tiny baby bump too.